To catch up on the earlier articles that explore small groups through the book The Other Half of Church by Jim Wilder and Michel Hendricks, click here to navigate to the first article within the series.
Have you ever been a part of a small group where an
individual aggressively dominated the conversation in a manner that made you or
others uncomfortable? Did such a person cause you to reconsider attending one
of the meetings or possibly even the rest of the group meetings, altogether? What
if there was a way to protect the group from narcissism but also rebuild and
empower those who have a tendency to exhibit narcissistic behaviors? Authors Jim
Wilder and Michel Hendricks and their book The Other Half of Church can
help as they outline some strategies that help to equip us in addressing this
type of character dysfunction. Let us view their perspective through the lens
of a church’s small group ministry.
Relational Narcissism
While the Webster’s dictionary definition of narcissism is egocentrism or love
of one’s body, Wilder and Hendricks offer a different perspective of the
character dysfunction from a relational perspective. Here, they offer a
description where a narcissist is “someone who is unable to metabolize shame in
a relational way…they lack empathy, have a strong need for admiration, and want
to be the biggest personality in the room.” Perhaps this description fits the previously
mentioned person who aggressively dominates the conversation in a small group. Or
perhaps there could be a quieter member of the group who directs their narcissism
more towards individuals who can be used to achieve a certain goal. Regardless
of how an individual exhibits narcissism, our authors explain that ongoing relationships
are one of the best tools that a church can use to address this challenging
behavior.
Previously, we explored what toxic and healthy shame are and the importance of
nurturing a culture where healthy correction was utilized within the small
group community. It is through this perspective that Wilder and Hendricks
interpret narcissism to be a “shame disease” at its core. They explain that
when we learn to think that all shame is “toxic shame,” we resort to
non-relational strategies (such as retreating, silence, hostility,
self-righteousness, blame, etc.) in order to justify ourselves and to avoid any
further shame from exposing us. And when narcissism is given an opportunity to
be expressed, it grows to breed more narcissism among others within the church
as the “relational soil” of the community is slowly depleted. It is here where
we begin to witness all of the previous articles in this series converging to
form a holistic framework, one that proposes a church’s small group ministry to
be the most effective vehicle for facilitating healthy and transformational relationships
within our communities.
Resisting Enemy Mode
Even if we ourselves are not being overtly narcissistic, we still must
take caution in how we actively perceive the other members of our small groups and
our fellow churchgoers. Jesus says in Matthew 12:34 that “Out of the abundance
of the heart, the mouth speaks.” If we are not actively pursuing the Lord in
our own spiritual lives, then how might we view our brothers and sisters in
Christ when they don’t express love to us first? When our “relational circuits”
are running as they were intended by God, we are operating in what Wilder and
Hendricks refer to as “Relational Mode.” However, when we are unable to share
in the pain of others or unable to spread hesed love and joy among others, we are in a brain
state that Wilder and Hendricks refer to as “Enemy Mode.”
While “Predatory Enemy Mode” is the more extreme expression
of intentional hostility that blatantly uses other people for personal gain, “Simple
Enemy Mode” is the more elusive state of the heart that interferes with our ability
to connect with others and prevents us to view them as anything other than
problems to be solved or avoided. It is this mode that we must especially be wary
of. If not noticed, Simple Enemy Mode could convince us to skip small group
because we don’t want to listen to that one member of the group exhibiting
narcissistic behavior, or it may even prevent us from wanting to join a small group
altogether if we are not in a state of the heart that desires to minister to
other individuals. When in Simple Enemy Mode, we tend to judge others’
intentions and argue aggressively in an effort to have them adopt our viewpoint
(hardly helpful if trying to contribute to a welcoming small group environment).
While it is difficult to know what exactly causes us to find our way into Enemy
Mode, what is exciting is to know is that attending a small group is what
allows us to break away from this mode of thought.
A Culture of Correction
When we regularly attend small groups, we are able to keep our
relational tanks full. It is here when Wilder and Hendricks note that “in
order to love my enemy, I must have sufficient joy and love so it overflows to
others.” In other words, when each of our small groups embody a community of
joy, hesed love, group identity, and healthy correction, it corrects narcissistic
behavior within group members by training the other group members to love on each
other in such a powerful way that narcissistic individuals become completely
disarmed. Wilder and Hendricks add that when a community as a whole is trained
up to love on these individuals without giving them a free pass for their
dysfunction, a culture of correction is established that “lowers the intensity
of shame because everyone has their character corrected” on a frequent basis.
After all, Jesus exhibited this strategy perfectly, most notably in how He unashamedly
corrects Peter in Matthew 16:23 but also lovingly redeems him in John 21:15-19
(only to then once again correct him a few verses later). In Christ-like fashion,
let us develop the capacity to love difficult people so that we prevent
narcissism from growing within our respective communities. Let us recognize
small groups as the ideal way to challenge us appropriately so that we may be
able to facilitate spiritual transformation in a powerful way. Through our
small groups, let us uplift one another and encourage one other to be humble
servants for the kingdom of God as we bless one another abundantly.